In the spirit of the most unholy of days, April Fool's Day, I present the 
following, twisted post.  If I offend anyone with the tastelessness of this 
missive, then I have done my job.

Enjoy,

Tallguy

How Certain ASSCers Could Die

AbNormal - Abnormal is found dead, riddled with bullet holes, in a pool of 
blood.  An eyewitness at the scene of the crime reports that the shooter, a 
crazy homeless man, was standing over the body shouting repeatedly "I fucking 
hate Kurtis Blow!"

Bob "Mr. TJ" Smyth - On one of his frequent trips to TJ, Bob takes one turn too 
many in search of the Chicago Club.  Approached by the Federales, Bob proclaims 
"Me llamo Bob Smytho"  The Federales noticing Bob's plaid PJs,  T-shirt and 
disheveled hair, think that he is an escapee from the local mental hospital. 
Told to shoot any escapees, Bob is killed in a hail of gunfire.

Borly - After another uneventful SC outing, a despondent Borly drives home to 
his trailer park.  Waiting on the gravel road is a band of angry mob.  Shouting 
"Asshole!  Asshole!" they stone Borly to death.

Bubba --  After an unprecedented CP-4-10, an exhausted Bubba decides to HMS one 
more time with a comely dancer on stage.  While in the mist of one of ear muff 
specials, the dancer suddenly goes into an epileptic seizure.  Unable to free 
himself due to the dog collar, Bubba sufficates to death.  

Fixer - After a huge dinner at a fine restaurant, Fixer indicates to the waiter 
that he cannot eat another bite.  The waiter pleads with him to try just one, 
teeny wafer.  Fixer agrees, eats the wafer and then suddenly explodes.  

Laar -- On another trip to Amsterdam, Laar, once again under herbal influence, 
decides to visit Casa Roso once more.  He is again selected from the audience 
and soon find himself in the same situation as before.  However, this time, the 
herbal buzz wears off and Laar jumps back in shock.  Unfortunately, the studly 
young man that is servicing Laar at the time is also startled, causing the man 
to clench down of Lil' Laar.  Laar screams in pain as the blood flows.  The 
audience, also under herbal influence, thinks that this is all part of the act 
and watches Laar collaspe from the loss of blood.  After extensive surgery, Laar 
is told that a signficant portion of lil' Laar had to be removed to safe his 
life.  Faced with the opportunity of never being able again to whip it out in 
public, Laar shoots himself.

LMR - In his never-ending search to find rich, young , beautiful babies, Rich is 
caught screwing the daughter of a rich and powerful Hollywood producer.  The 
angry father summons his bodyguards, who fit Rich with some cement shoes and 
tell him that he will be sleeping with the fishes tonight.

Marc 182 -- After countless times of reminding the NG that people looking for a 
certain dancer may be sincerely trying to locate a friend and cautioning, for 
the security of the young lady, to ask her for permission before returning any 
locating information to the original poster, Marc fails to heed his own warning.  
After accidentally giving his information to a stripper that his trying to 
locate him, he is later found in pieces behind the dumpster of Ten's Showclub. 

Mazoola -- Tragedy strikes Chez Maz as Mazoola, after a long night of driving 
various passengers of the Maz Taxi to and fro, loses concentration and goes over
the side of the freeway.  The car bursts into flames and Mazoola is burned live.
A fireman at the scene notes that Maz could have had a chance if not for the 
silk shirt he was wearing, which ignited instantaneously.  In memoriam, Chez Maz 
becomes a home for wayward strippers.

Ook - One night writing his latest rant, Ook pauses for a second.  He realizes, 
to his horror, that he has used every single word in the English language in his 
posts and is out of new words.  Depressed by this notion, he frantically 
searches for a new word.  After several days, Ook collapses dead after his brain 
explodes.

Pat Looser - Returning from a night at his favorite local bikini bar, an 
inebriated Pat gets ready to go to bed.  However, in his drunken state, he is 
unable to pull his Rayon shirt over his body.  After struggling for several 
minutes, Pat suffocates himself to death. 

SaiBaba - After losing his job and with money running low, SaiBaba becomes a 
feature player in an underground live sex show.  Alas, in his debut performance, 
unable to deal with the leering eyes of the crowd, he comes up lame.  The 
outraged audience storms the stage and beats Sai to death.

Trighap - Horny after being dumped by his latest paramour, Trighap decides to 
cruise Harry Hines Boulevard for companionship.  After selecting a proper 
playmate, Trighap is approached by her pimp for payment.  Trighap tries to 
bargain with the pimp, saying that he only wants to get laid.  The pimp, feeling 
dissed, stabs Trighap to death.

And, finally, to show that this is all in good fun, my own death...

Tallguy - Determined to join the Bob Smyth Club a record six times in one night, 
Tallguy heads over to the den of iniquity known as the MSC.  After a few hours, 
an exhausted Tallguy leaves the club to go home for some much needed rest. 
However, before he can get to his car, he is approached by a gang of thugs. 
"Where do you think you are going, Mr. Fancy Clothes?" they shout.  The thugs 
demand money from Tallguy.  He points out that he is tapped out and has none.
"Then we'll make ya go get some more!", they sneer.  Tallguy goes to the ATM to 
withdraw money and is told that his card is not valid.  Sensing that he is 
trying to cheat them, the gang shoots and stabs poor Tallguy.  In his last, 
dying gasp, Tallguy says "SHIT! FUCK! DAMN!"

The End