ASSC: Scientists Clone ASSCer
Author: SubSonic
Date: 1997/03/06

   LOS ANGELES, March 6 (Associated Press) -- At a hastily scheduled press
conference this afternoon, scientists from UCLA Medical Center revealed
that they had successfully cloned an ASSCer, stunning an academic research
community that was still reeling from last week's announcement that
investigators in Scotland had performed a similar procedure with an adult
sheep. The new ASSCer, known as ZClone, was grown from cells taken from
the upper thigh of an ASSCer who wishes to remain anonymous. DNA from
these cells was injected into a human egg that had been stripped of its
genetic material and, after successful fertilization, the egg was
implanted in the uterus of an adult female lap dancer -- also anonymous --
and carried to term.
   
   "The implications of this experiment are enormous," said the lead
investigator of the effort, Steve DrD. "Now we will be able to evaluate
the relative importance of genetics versus environment on the development
of an ASSCer. Is ASSCing something that is genetically programmed in our
DNA, or is it environmentally triggered -- say, by poor nutrition or early
childhood trauma?"

   DrD said that the successful cloning of ZClone was aided by the
apparent robustness of the anonymous ASSCer's thigh cells. "There were a
surprising number of calluses on his upper thighs. Apparently this man has
had more than his share of Godzilla laps, which has left these cells in a
high state of fitness," DrD remarked to the assembled press corps. "We
think this was a key factor in our success."

   The UCLA team's success with ZClone follows a long string of
embarrassing failures. Their initial efforts, back in the late 1970's,
focused on cloning humans from cells from a human nose. "That's what they
did in Woody Allen's film 'Sleeper,'" said DrD. "We figured there must be
some scientific basis for it -- otherwise, why would they put it in the
movie?" When none of the experiments panned out, the UCLA investigators
abandoned their efforts for several years, leaving DrD with a great deal
of bitterness toward Mr. Allen. "I don't consider him a reliable
scientific role model anymore," he says tartly.

   Unable to clone from noses, the UCLA team then tried cloning ASSCers
with other facial parts in their names, such as EYE and Earendil. Both
efforts ended in failure. An attempt to clone an ASSCer named idleeric
ended in disaster when the researchers apparently botched the transfer of
genetic code. "We still don't know exactly what happened," admits DrD
sheepishly. "We ended up with some lawyer who wasn't idle and whose name
wasn't even Eric. That definitely was a real low point."

   Other cloning efforts took an even more freakish turn. Several years
ago, DrD's team implanted genetic material from a West Coast ASSCer into a
human egg and grew what at first appeared to be a perfect clone. Hopes
were dashed, however, when the clone soon began displaying signs of severe
mental illness. "He went on some kind of weird religious kick," says DrD.
"First he started claiming he was the Pope, then suddenly he started
identifying himself as a Jew -- you know, calling himself a maven, things
like that. We confronted him about his delusions -- I mean, this guy was
Asian-American, how could he be Jewish? -- but he kept insisting that the
term 'maven' dated back to the 'Yiddish Dynasty' in China. He was just
completely off the wall. The whole thing was pretty upsetting. Actually,
it was kind of like that film 'Zelig' ... " DrD continued, before catching
himself and quickly pointing out that he did not mean to imply that this
particular Woody Allen film had any scientific merit.

   DrD refused to disclose the psychotic clone's present whereabouts,
saying only that he is quite harmless to the community at large and
occasionally dines with Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan,
where they discuss monetary policy and currency exchange rates. The ASSCer
whose genetic material was used to create this clone continues to ASSC at
the Chez Paree in San Francisco. (He too wishes to remain anonymous.)
According to well-placed sources, the original and the clone have never
been seen together.

   DrD also initially refused to comment on persistent rumors of another
cloning experiment gone awry, involving an ASSCer named ook. According to
the rumors, ook's evil twin continues to roam the UseNet newsgroups,
writing depressing reviews of Portland clubs and generally causing havoc
for his genetic double. "The less said about this rumor, the better," said
DrD, clearly annoyed. Under persistent questioning, DrD finally issued a
blanket denial that ook had ever been cloned. "He's just another wacko
with cloning delusions," he said. "Now that cloning is a reality, you're
going to see all manner of crazies claiming to be clones or to have been
cloned. If they didn't have this to focus on, they'd still be talking
about being abducted by aliens. Come on, give me a break."

   DrD also revealed to a stunned press corps that other ASSCers had
secretly been cloned in the past: "We cloned CMG some time ago and the
clone seems to be just like the original. For instance, the clone has
expressed a great deal of interest in meeting Dolly, the cloned sheep from
Scotland, in a strip club setting. We think that's very significant. We
also cloned BobSmyth, but the clone hasn't matured fully yet. He's still a
young boy, walking around in his PJ's," the researcher said.
   
   The next step? "We want to clone dancers," said DrD with conviction.
"With this technology, we can engage in some serious genetic engineering
that should benefit all humankind. We can make duplicates of the best
dancers, thus providing more lap dancing satisfaction to customers, and at
the same time we'll be flooding the market on the supply side, which
should bring prices down."

        The visionary researcher's eyes grew misty. "We're looking to
create a utopian society," he concluded.