[Nada]
How would a dancer feel and react if a customer, wearing a condom in
their pants, were to cum unexpectedly during a lap dance after little
contact? Is this something that a dancer expects could happen and
implicitly consents to, or would a dancer become upset?

[SubSonic]
Ah, grasshopper, I am glad you ask these questions. You touch on what
is surely one of the stickiest of all strip club issues, especially
about half an hour after the infraction has taken place. The
unexpected power splooge can be unpredictable and awkward for customer
and dancer alike; however, with good will, mutual respect and a
certain rakish joie de vivre, all parties can survive the situation
with a minimum of embarrassment and perhaps even a good story for the
grandkids. I am happy to offer my suggestions on this topic.

Allow me to begin, however, with an exploration of an apparent
paradox. You say that the customer in question -- we'll call him Nada
-- is "wearing a condom in [his] pants," yet he later "cum[s]
unexpectedly." Actually, this raises several issues. I will assume
first of all that when you say "wearing a condom in [his] pants," you
mean that said condom is actually covering the customer's penis, as
opposed to, say, nestling comfortably but unopened in his left back
pocket, where it would do little good from a practical standpoint and
could perhaps even leave a nasty circular imprint on his butt during a
vigorous lapdance. So in the future, please try to be more precise
with your language: One does not wear a condom in one's pants, one
wears it on one's penis. True, in a strip club one's penis is (alas!)
usually inside one's pants, but the key piece of data in this
particular example is that the customer's penis is sheathed.

OK, so that's established. Now what puzzles me about your construction
is how said ejaculation would be "unexpected" if the customer was
actually wearing a condom to begin with. Try as I might, I cannot
think of a single reason for a strip club customer to don a condom
before a lap dance other than in anticipation of ejaculation. (E-mail
Bob Smyth for details.) Disease transmission is not an issue, since,
as you pointed out, the pants are on. I can't imagine the customer
would be trying to *lessen* sensation by wearing a condom. In fact,
condoms have few real-world uses other than preventing sexually
transmitted diseases, preventing pregnancy and keeping one's pants
(and lap dance partner) clean at a strip club. Have you ever heard of
someone donning a condom to do his tax return, walk his dog or watch
the Bulls game? Of course not. So we must assume that the possibility
of a sploogiferous eruption was at least in the back of our
hypothetical customer's mind beforehand. Thus I think our hypothetical
customer is kidding himself, just a tad, when he speaks of
"unexpected" orgasms.

But perhaps I'm picking nits; the customer's cognitive-dissonance
problems as to his motivations and ejaculatory expectations are
frankly irrelevant here. You want to know if the dancer would object
to the customer's blissful release, and I want to tell you.

But first, allow me to share with you some other prophylactic measures
that can be taken in a strip club. As you no doubt have learned if
you've been reading this newsgroup for the last ten days or so,
bacteria, viruses and other ooky things run rampant in the strip club
environment, threatening dancer and customer alike. In one
particularly notable case, several million streptococcus
microorganisms recently reared their ugly, pathogenic heads in the
body of a much beloved San Francisco dancer, forcing her to retire in
disgust and move on to cleaner pastures (in this case, the music
industry -- have I got news for her). In order to prevent this from
happening to you, you might want to consider taping a dental dam over
your mouth before each lap dance. Make sure you use sterile Grade A
hospital adhesive. (E-mail Ms. Margo for details.) This can be covered
with a surgical mask, and, if necessary, a gas mask and/or astronaut's
helmet. Full biohazard suits are optional, although you should note
that these can interfere with the sensation of even the best lap
dances.

OK, I forgot the question now.

[Nada]
Should a customer first get permission from a dancer before they cum,
or should a customer just cum and then discretely warn the dancer to
stop without admitting they actually came? What's the etiquette for
this sort of thing?

[SubSonic]
Ah yes, thank you. What a nice boy. You'll make a wonderful son-in-law
someday.

A customer *absolutely* should ask a dancer for permission to cum. And
you can't just ask any old dancer, it has to be the dancer that you're
dancing with. If Tiffany says you can cum, but you're actually dancing
with Bubbles at the time, that doesn't count. (In this case, Tiffany's
permission would be an example of "dancer politics.") Not only that,
you also should ask the bouncers, the DJ and at least one fellow
customer, if possible. Remember, your orgasm is the world's business.
Some clubs have sign-up sheets for orgasms; keep your eyes peeled for
this the next time you go.=20

On the other hand, if you're wearing a condom, how would the dancer
even know if you came? As long as you don't shriek like a banshee, cry
out her name in the throes of orgasmic passion, or look too sheepish
immediately afterward (and assuming, of course, that the condom
performs adequately), your secret is probably safe, and so is her
costume, as well as her crotch, thighs, butt, hands, feet, ears or
whatever other body parts she might have used to get you off.

My friend, splooge happens. Most dancers accept this as a predictable
and tolerable occupational hazard, and as long as you are considerate
and keep it out of their hair they will tend to be understanding,
assuming that they find out at all. Some dancers are even "splooge
trophy hunters" (e-mail idleeric for details), and absolutely *want*
to know that they succeeded in their quest to give you the biggest
bang for your buck. Others are more reserved, and prefer not to know.
If a dancer is carrying a piece of cloth around with her, which she
spreads on the laps of her customers before initiating her dances, you
can probably assume that she has sploogaphobia, and won't want to hear
about your accomplishment.

The safest course? Don't ask, don't tell. And always, always be
considerate of your dancer. If this is an issue in the first place,
it's quite clear that she's being very considerate of you.