95 Theses

1. When the dancer said, "Get lost", she meant you.

2. This term means you should not come back until you are willing to tip her at least $20.

3. Yet it does not mean that money is enough; you must also truly believe that she has potential to work on Broadway.

4. Or at least, off-Broadway.

5. The dancer neither desires nor is able to remit any tips paid in advance in the expectation that she was telling the truth when she said, "Oh yeah, it'll be worth it, all right."

6. This is a crock of shit.

7. Dancers remit guilt to no one, unless they are screwing the bouncer and the bouncer says you are cool.

8. The dancer can only collect tips from the living, and at 1:30 am, when the dancer herself has caused your imminent death from boredom, she can impose nothing upon the dying.

9. Therefore we are lucky in observing the dancer who snoozes against the pole, for therein lies our salvation.

10. In former times, tips were imposed after, not before, lap dances, as tests of true mileage.

11. Imperfect contact brings with it great ennui on the part of the customer, thus challenging the dancer to greater efforts.

12. This, too, is a crock of shit.

13. Those dancers act wickedly and ignorantly who expect the customer to pay in advance for a pig in a poke.

14. The previous thesis is not intended to reflect poorly upon dancers.

15. Nor upon pigs.

16. Imperfect glazed-eye-ness or woodiness on the part of the customer necessarily brings with it great boredom, and smaller tips; the smaller tips, the greater beating from the ex-drummer boyfriend.

17. This beating is sufficient in itself, to say nothing of other things, to constitute the penalty of purgatory.

18. Hell, purgatory, and heaven seem to differ the same as despair, fear, and assurance of salvation.

19. These subjects are off-topic in ASS-C, nonetheless, they seem to hold great weight there.

20. Therefore, we all need to get a life.

21. It seems as though for the customers at the rail, arousal should necessarily increase and despair decrease.

22. Furthermore, it does not seemed proved, either by reason or by the contents of the ASS-C Hall of Fame, that SC attendance brings greater happiness.

23. If remission from all guilt whatsoever could be granted to anyone at all, it certainly would be granted only to the most perfect, that is, to those who experience the greatest mileage at the lowest cost.

24. Or at least, to those who can concoct the most convincing tale of such mileage at such cost.

25. For this reason, most people are necessarily deceived by that indiscriminate and high-sounding promise of BBHJs and attendant maximum grindage.

26. This also, alas, is a crock of shit.

27. The dancer does very well when she grants release to the customer, not by the power of suggestion, but by way of actual physical contact between the customer's saadumbwebe and the dancer's montaginous kababbahakkis.

28. They preach only stripper shit who say that as soon as the money clinks into the money chest, the soul flies out of purgatory.

29. It is certain that when money clinks in the money chest, greed and avarice can be increased; but when the fingers manipulate Mr. Happy just right, the result is in the hands of Misty alone.

30. Who knows whether all souls in purgatory wish to be redeemed, since we have exceptions in [insert name of a particularly pathetic ASS-C correspondent here] and [insert name of another complete PL loser here], as related in a legend.

31. The man who actually buys full service in a strip club is as rare as the dancer who really delivers what she promises; indeed, he is exceedingly rare.

32. Those who believe that they can be certain of their satisfaction because the dancer told them, "Why don't you give me a call Saturday morning? We'll get together and I'll blow your socks off." will be eternally disappointed, together with their johnsons.

33. Men must especially be on guard against the DJ who says, "Hey! Be sure to drop those fifties on Shimmer in the VIP Room! You won't be sorry!"

34. Any truly horny customer has a right to at least the semblance of erotic interest from any dancer who expects to make this month's rent.

35. Unless, of course, this customer is a psychotic crank-head who is only interested in removing the dancer's uterus from her abdomen by retracting it through her anus.

36. Or unless he is a cop.

37. Nevertheless, attention from a dancer is by no means to be disregarded, for this is the outward and visible sign of an internal and eternal fire.

38. It is very difficult, even for the most experienced ASS-Cers, to recommend to the newbie the walk-out point for a large and variegated strip club.

39. For even though its facade may be decorated with tinfoil and Christmas tree lights, and even though its bouncer may be called "Maurice" and have the eagle eye of an...eagle....inside its darkest chambers may lurk she who will offer the cup of milk and honey to parched lips, and ride upon your thighs like an angel of God.

40. A customer who is truly hooked seeks and loves to pay tips for a brief peek when a dancer pulls aside her T-bar; however, a bounty of such glimpses relaxes waistbands and causes men to be bored - at least it furnishes occasions for boredom.

41. Athletic terpsichory must be preached with caution, lest people erroneously think that it is preferable to other (simulated) acts of love.

42. Customers are to be taught that the dancer does not intend that the paying of tips should in any way be compared with the purchase of a sexual service.

43. At least, so says Kiko Wu.

44. Who, in and of herself, is a crock of shit.

45. Customers are to be taught that he who sees a needy dancer and passes her by has probably managed to do the right thing in spite of all appearances.

46. Customers are to be taught that unless they have more than they need, they must reserve enough for their family needs and by no means squander it on strippers.

47. You guessed it.

48. Another crock of shit.

49. Customers are to be taught that it's ok to believe that spending money in strip clubs is a matter of free choice, not an addiction or some sort of vague indication that there is something not quite right in the customer's sex life, or that there is something not quite right with the customer's sense of self esteem, or that there is something not quite right in general.

50. Customers are to be taught that the dancer, in granting contact for tips, needs and thus desires their attention and affection more than their money.

51. Need I even say it?

52. It is vain to trust in the eyes of a dancer, even though the dancer, or even the bouncer, swears on the little vial of ecstasy in his/her hip pocket, that those eyes project only honest need and adoration.

53. They are the enemies of ASS-Cers who forbid altogether the discussion of any subject in the NG, no matter how irrelevant to strip clubs, in order that such discussions be reserved to other NGs.

54. Unless, of course, they are certain people.

55. Anyway, there's always your kill file.

56. The true treasures of strip clubs, out of which dancers distribute joy and hope, are not sufficiently discussed or known among the people of ASS-C.

57. That interaction with dancers is not a purely temporal treasure is certainly clear, for many dancers do not believe they are distributing anything, but only collecting tips.

58. Nor do the bouncers or DJs profit, for even without the dancer, they always work only for the rent, or to buy another brick, or to give hell to the outer man who does not spend time in strip clubs.

59. Sirkay said, "I've never seen a situation anywhere else where something that can be so beautiful, and many dancers are indeed beautiful, both on stage and as people, managed to become something so degrading and so dehumanizing, with so little apparent difference," but he spoke according to the usage of the word in his own time.

60. Without want of consideration we say that degradation and dehumanization are only what we ought to expect in the average strip club.

61. For it is clear that the dancer's power is of itself insufficient for the remission of anything.

62. Your mind, and your heart, has to be in it.

63. Or you have to be very, very drunk.

64. Or on some other drug that it would be imprudent to mention in this venue.

65. On the other hand, the treasure heaped into a fat wallet is naturally most acceptable, for it makes the last to be first.

66. And some dancers are actually awake and smart and straight enough to pay attention to the number of thin lines they can see between the leathers as you whip out a Washington and lay it on them.

67. And a smaller number of those dancers is willing to find out what it takes to get you to pull from the Lincoln or Hamilton sections.

68. Much smaller.

69. As in, almost none.

70. But they are much more bound to strain their eyes and their ears if they learn that you have a guitar and are between gigs.

71. Which is the biggest crock of shit of all.

72. And a vile and boring ASS-C cliche that should long ago have bitten the dust.

73. Because I have seen no evidence of its being true.

74. And I don't want it to be true.

75. Because I have a peanut-like saadumbwebe.

76. And all dancers who have rubbed up against it have chuckled ruefully.

77. Where was I?

78. Oh.

79. Right.

80. We say on the contrary that even the ugliest, most pancake-chested, sleepy, dopey, grumpy dancer, whose eyes are like sunken dreadnoughts that have failed to withstand the final bombardment of the wretched Flying Dutchman after her entire crew has deserted only to be devoured by diseased sharks, is to be preferred over any two-dimensional image to be found upon the pages of Playboy, Penthouse, or Hustler, or, indeed, upon any VCR-propelled TV screen.

81. Why do we say that?

82. This is a fucking Usenet newsgroup, dud, we can say anything we want.

83. But if you're interested,

84. And regardless of whether you believe there is more than one in this "we"

85. We say the following:

86. [Ahem]

87. Drum roll.

88. OK, OK..I'm....I mean, We're getting there.

89. A dancer is a person.

90. I'm not kidding.

91. And a person offers infinite possibilities because she embodies the infinite.

92. This is not a pre-recording.

93. This will not be televised.

94. This dancer is here, now, before you. And no matter what she may believe, or intend, or project before her like a crucifix held at chain's length from her neck to ward off evil,

95. She must deal with you, and you, with her, right here, right now, and thus be confident of nothing.

--Seldom Scene