ASSC:
AFTSD: Failing to Suck?
This
only marginally fails to suck, but it's better than what I could come up
· Yes, she had a fucked-up childhood.
Duh.
· So, probably, did you, or you
wouldn't be here.
· The cleanest, tamest dancer in a
club will still "do" the right customer in the lap booth (or at home) if she's
in the mood that day.
· The chance of you being the
"right" customer are at least 1 in 3.14159x10^20.
· The nastiest, horniest whore in a
club will not "do" you if you're not her type that day.
· The biggest difference between lap
dancing and prostitution is lap dancers get to choose their johns.
· All the money in the world won't
encourage the average dancer to fuck you if she thinks you're a geek.
· You're in a club; odds are, she
thinks you're a geek. Most anything you might think of saying or doing will only increase
that perception.
· If you date a dancer, and you think
of her as a dancer, and not just as a woman, you are in trouble.
· If you date a dancer, and you think
of her just as a woman without acknowledging her dancerness, you are in trouble.
· Let's face it: You are in trouble.
· Something in the nature of clubbing encourages customers to want to believe the exception is the rule. That something is the lure of cheap sex.
· All customers want to date and/or
fuck dancers, even if they say they don't.
· *Especially* if they say they don't.
· Stop trying and enjoy.
· Nothing encourages a floater to look
the other way as much as a twenty dollar bill. (Except one of a higher denomination.)
· They WILL look the other way.
· Most guys would rather risk being
flashlighted, yelled at, ejected or arrested than give a floater 20 bucks.
· Dancers know that, so the dancers
that put out tip the floaters themselves. That's the *real* reason to tip the dancer.
· Being associated with "the
Internet guys" is never a flattering thing.
· A guy can go to a club ready to
spend $1000, then not go in because he left his $5 discount pass at home.
· What most guys don't realize: If
women aren't hitting on you in "real life," they almost certainly won't in the
club.
· What most dancers don't realize:
It's not that customers think you are sluts, it's that we HOPE you are.
· The dancers who make the most money are those who put out; the next-best money goes to those who merely act like they might.
· No, she doesn't treat you
differently from all the other customers.
· Remember: If you get a BBBJ, no
matter what she says, she has done it with other guys. Probably within the hour.
· Dancers who talk about their
personal lives may turn off 10 customers who prefer "the fantasy," but the one
customer they attract will make up for it.
· The emptiest club, with the fewest
dancers, and the least customers, still makes money.
· The dancers in the average club are
the lowest-paid employees. The hotter the club, the more that is true.
· Guys lie more to each other about
what happens in the lap booth than they do about their sex lives.
· Guys who spend freakish amounts of
money in a club are as disdained by dancers as guys who spend none.
· Ruthlessness is the only attitude appropriate for someone who patronizes strip clubs regularly enough to understand how they work.
· Ruthlessness is the only attitude
appropriate for a dancer who doesn't want to burn out.
· Kindness and gentility go much
further in a club than most customers or dancers realize, but inevitably lead to hurt
feelings.
· If you must be a "regular"
with a particular dancer, make sure she is at a club you visit less frequently. Keep your
fave club an open field.
· If you become a "regular"
at a particular club, do not become a regular with a single dancer: At some point, you
will be forced to abandon that club.
· Customers, never forget: Money isn't
the main reason a dancer works at a club... It's the ONLY reason.
· Dancers, never forget: A chance for
sex isn't the main reason a customer goes to a club... It's the ONLY reason.
· If you need motivation not to suckle
a proffered nipple, just pretend you can taste the spittle of the last guy she lapped
with.
· No matter what a dancer is like, no
matter how sweet, how nasty, how hot, how plain, how savvy, how new... she gets hit on
dozens of time a night.
· No matter how many times it actually
happens, the average dancer will st college roughly corresponds to the percentage of
customers who have truly successful careers.
· No matter how fat, ugly, stupid,
bitchy, washed-up, old, or ignorant a dancer may be, she is still likely to think of you
as a dweeb at best, and a loser at worst.
· No matter how fat, ugly, stupid,
whiny, washed-up, old, or ignorant a dancer's boyfriend may be, he still is likely to
think he is better than you.
· The reason most guys go to clubs is:
No matter how fat, ugly, stupid, whiny, washed-up, old, or ignorant they themselves may
be, 20 bucks still puts a naked woman writhing in their laps.
· Most guys find it much easier to
spend the money than change themselves.
· No, most ASSC-ers really DON'T have
a life.
· The best way to get the waitress off
your back: Tip her 5 bucks the first time she brings you a drink.
· The average club-goer has as much in
common with the average ASSC-er as the average reader has in common with an English
professor, for good and for bad.
· If an engineer works in the field
for 15 years, then quits his job and becomes a cameraman, a week later he will call
himself a cameraman. If a dancer quits dancing after a year and becomes a technical
writer, three years later she will call herself a former dancer.
· Clubs are so intimidating, that some
guys will drive by a club every day with time on their hands, but rather than stopping to
check it out, would rather ask for a review in ASSC, TUSCL, etc.
· Reviews are meaningless. The dancer
that offers me sex in the booth may give you an air dance. The dancer that fucked you
yesterday may snub me today. In fact, the dancer that fucked me yesterday may snub me
today.
· And vice versa.
· On the average, the guys that have
no trouble getting dancers' attention at a club also have no trouble getting dates.
· A lot of otherwise savvy guys still
have trouble picking out the "sure thing" dancer at a club.
· There is at least one "sure
thing" dancer at every club.
· Most guys see no correlation between
the kind of girl they are attracted to and their "luck" at clubs.
· Understanding that correlation may
improve your "luck."
· Having a hard body will get you more
attention from the average dancer in the average lap booth than personality or money.
· The only thing more pathetic than
spending a ton of money on a dancer to get her to sleep with you is spending a ton of
money on a dancer while claiming no expectations.
· If you actually "date" a
dancer, and she doesn't sleep with you on or before the first date, she probably never
will.
· Posting about your strib club adventures, sharing them on the Internet, and having a group of "friends" to discuss all this with is nothing but an ego trip, but it certainly can add more drama to your life.
· No matter how many times you think
you've gone clubbing in the last year, the actual number is higher.
· No matter how much money you think
you've spent clubbing in the last year, the actual number is higher.
· The guy who claims never to have had
a favorite dancer probably had one, but won't admit it.
· The guy who always seems to have a
"favorite" probably finds dancers more or less interchangeable.
· NEVER talk to someone browsing The
Beatles' bin at the record store.
· The people who think clubs are
hotbeds of drugs, prostitution and other crime are 100% right.
· Nothing is more boring than some old
fart claiming to have a lot of strip club experience and "sharing" it.
· You can get the boy out of ASSC, but you can't get the ASSC out of the boy.