As I read this newsgroup seriously (so to speak) for the first time in
several months, it has struck me that the guys who go to strip clubs
fall into two basic categories:

1) Guys who want to date/f*/hang out with strippers.

2) Guys who want to learn how to get rid of persistant, aggressive
    strippers and waitresses.

So it basically comes down to guys who don't know how to attract
strippers, and guys who don't know how to get rid of them. While
Gemini's book may work for the former, and "Get the behind me, Satan"
may work for the latter, they are methods I've never used, and hence,
am reluctant to promote.

As a public service, I've decided to post the following guides, based
upon my many years of experience with strippers. I hope I can help to
clear up some of the uncertainty, doubt, and general pathetic-ness
(patheticity?) out there.

GUIDE 1: SAXBEAT'S TOP 10 WAYS TO SAY TO GET RID OF A DANCER

10. "I'd *love* you to dance for me! My herpes have finally gone
      dormant and I'm a celebratin' fool!"

9. "Not tonight. I ducked in here to hide from a Mafia hit man, and I
    wouldn't want to see you get hurt if there's trouble.... On second
    thought, I might need a shield. Sure, you can dance for me."

8. "Only if you'll do the Macarena on my lap."

7. "(hiccup) Sure baby. I get soooo horny when I'm drunk off my ass."

6. "Ohmigod. For a moment there, I thought you were my little sister.
    (pause) Heh heh. Sure, I'd LOVE you to dance for me."

5. "Ohmigod. You look a lot like my mom. (pause) Heh heh. Sure, I'd
    LOVE you to dance for me."

4. "Pleeease give me a lap dance! I've got the worst jock itch I've
    ever felt and I can't scratch it in public."

3. "Go ahead and dance for me. I need to be cheered up. They told me
    today that no one in vice has gone as long as I have without
    making a bust."

2. "Do you honor other store's double coupons?"

1. "My name is Z Bone, and I'm here to break my record."


GUIDE 2: SAXBEAT'S TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY TO ATTRACT A DANCER

10. "Hello. My name is Charlie Sheen."

9. "Hello. My name is ALS.

8. "Yo, bitch, someone stole my guitar from the band's van. Can you
    loan me a couple hundred?"

7. "I've got a great connection with a ferret wholesaler."

6. "Yeah, me and Trent Reznor: We're 'like this'."

5. "Heh heh. My wife didn't know about the million dollars in the
    trust fund when she agreed to the divorce."

4. "I'm so depressed. The cops just busted my best friend, and I've
    got a kilo of his Ecstasy and I have no idea what to do with it."

3. "How'd you like to be 'Dancer of the Month' on my web site?"

2. "You wouldn't believe how much business I've had in my body
    piercing and tattoo parlor since my man Dennis started telling his
    friends about my work."

1. "I've got nice shoes, like Ginger said, and nice cologne, like
    Madison said, and I'll treat you with respect and just like a
    'woman on the outside,' like everyone else in ass-c said, so the
    question is, 'Do ya wanna come to my place and just, you know,
    boogie?'"

Send replies to trane@scvnet.com