Make sure I'm dressed enuf like a human being so they'll let me into places like Lace & VIP. This means I can't wear my usual running pants specially sanded down to a thickness of only 3 angstroms & will mean somewhat less than maximum appreciation of lap dance subtleties due to increased thickness in the crotch area & amounts to a flagrant violation of PL protocol under the Amsterdam Convention. I hope the good Lord forgives me for this some day. I know I never will.

Arrive in the city from work, stop at a newsstand & flip thru issues of Penthouse, Over 40 & Asian Lezbos From Newark to get myself in the mood. Didn't need to bring the erection pump--where I'm going tonight, they'll have tits on 'em.

Sharing Justin's foresight concerning food, I stop for a coupla $1 dogs so I'll have something stored for the long haul & half a beer won't put me outa it. Wolfing them down quickly, I'm confident I won't die of starvation, tho I very possibly might from food poisoning. I make it to Lace a little later than planned, about 6:30.

SURPRISES:

I was of course dying to see what everybody looked like. There were 2 surprises, one more or less expected (if it's possible for a surprise to be expected) & one totally amazing.

Since I've gone to strip clubs often over the past few years, there are a number of "regulars" you tend to recognize. And since, like many regulars on this board, I used to go to Harmony a lot & 90 after Harmony closed, I felt sure that some of these guys would turn out to be guys I'd seen all the time at those places. Imagine my shock when I didn't recognize ANYBODY! Whether this was due to the fact that we were all wearing paper bags over our heads, or for some other reason, I'm not sure.

The ironic thing is that at our 2nd stop of the night I saw a guy there who I musta seen a million times before, between Harmony, 90 & the place we were at. But I still have no fucking idea who the hell he is.

I later came to the conclusion, during a rare moment of contemplation at that 2nd club, that I HAD seen Valjean at that spot at least once before. This was subsequently confirmed by a stripper who said she'd seen us both there at the same time, which means it HAS to be true, since every stripper I've ever tipped (even if only a dollar one time) has been able easily to recall everything about me years later, including name, date of birth, home & office zip codes, exact size of tip & how it was denominated, my zipper type & ease of undoing it &--needless to say--specific sex acts performed. Strippers remember paying customers better than major league pitchers remember how they work hitters.

The more "expected" surprise was that nobody looked anything like I imagined that person would as a result of reading his posts. That ALWAYS happens when I finally meet people I've known only on the phone (usually business-related), but somehow I'm still always surprised. There was also the nagging fear that most of us would look like the dreaded stereotypical perv, with the wrinkled polyester leisure suit a size & a half too small, squinting from behind 3-foot-thick glasses, with the overgrown crew-cut (cow-lick optional) & the big vacant grin with the chipped buck teeth & the tinny nasal giggle & the steady seepage of drool in an unbroken stream from head to foot & one hand clutching a back issue of Juggs so tightly that even the jaws of life couldn't pry it loose, while he constantly wanks himself with the other. But it was great to see that nobody in our party fit that description. Except for me, of course.

LOCATIONS:

Never been to Lace before & I was impressed in several ways. In terms of EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS FOR A BEER, the impression was less than totally positive. Also, we'd all expected it to be pretty empty at 6 on a Tuesday, but this place was PACKED!

But I liked this club. The girls were ACHINGLY beautiful (I think Valjen's assessment was definitely on the low side; where the hell were the 7.5s? I sure as hell didn't see any; how could the night shift POSSIBLY look better than this?) & the table dances, although they featured only limited contact, were AMAZINGLY seductive. These babes really knew what they were doing IMHO, & little poppa started speaking up in a hurry. Of course, you really gotta watch yourself here, cause you can go broke in no time, so I limited myself to just one table dance & a few stage tips. I've never gotten into the practice of "warm up" joints & wondered why people do that, but now I can see the charms in that kinda approach.

The second & third stops were no surprise since I've been to each many times. But perhaps the surprise was how both (especially the second) were so well stocked on a Tuesday night, both for quantity & quality. The second place, which can be EXTREMELY variable, was unusually good. I don't know where the hell Valjean saw any 4s there--does this guy live in the Playboy Mansion, for chrissake? Actually, I'll take that back--there was one I'd probably rate a 4 there (but she was made up better than usual) & one in the 5-6 range--but both those girls are VERY friendly! As are most of the better looking ones! And some of those "soft" 8s were making me awfully hard! Passions was also pretty good, maybe not as good quality-wise as on weekends, but still pretty damn good & with a stripper/customer ratio that was outstanding!

THE ACTION:

Okay, this is the part I know none of you out there are interested in, but I'm gonna run thru it anyway.

As I said, Lace is basically tease--but WHAT a tease! Soon after entering, getting financially raped by the bartender & locating & joining the group, a young lady took the stage who I felt absolutely compelled to tip. I asked her name twice & coudn't understand her either time, so I'll call her Ralph. (I gotta say, I'm not sure what the policy on touching at the stage is here, since nobody really seemed to be sitting at the stage or tipping. My instinct tells me there's no overt sexual fondling, but I did some brief light caressing of legs & ass as I tipped & neither she nor the other 1 or 2 girls I later tipped seemed to mind. Perhaps Valjean, who knows this joint, can clarify this point for the rest of us here.) I tipped her 2 or 3 bucks as I stood there. She was VERY sexy & receptive & snatched the last bill with such ferocity that I was sure a hot dance was coming my way pronto. Then she got off the stage--& sure enuf, just walked away. This girl would have a great future at Ruby's II.

Recognized the "90" ####### from elsewhere (but don't remember her from 90!) & tho she's definitely a pretty girl, had never danced with her. (Don't remember her stage name here--& don't remember it at the other place I've seen her either!) Whether she had dolled herself up a little more, or the atmosphere of the club transformed her, or I was just hornier than usual (if that's possible)--for whatever reason, she looked absolutely RAVISHING! She did a dance for one of the guys in our group & as she was walking away, I motioned her over. She sat on the edge of my chair & spoke with Clubber, who knows her & was seated right alongside me. I took advantage of this proximity to feel her thigh a bit & plant a few kisses on her shoulder. Told her I wanted a dance, but she had to go up on stage, where I tipped her once or twice (her smile is ANGELIC!)

However, when I returned to my seat, "Ralph" had drifted back into the area & was giving an EXTREMELY seductive dance to Valjean, at times arching her head back almost into the lap of Clubber, seated right next to him. This mighta taken about 5 minutes, or maybe a week, it's hard to tell, I was just so transfixed, staring at her with my mouth open & my dick pleading for mercy. She then gives a dance to the guy on my right (mighta been Harmfanx, don't recall for sure) & then FINALLY--like a meandering heat-seekng missile--finds her way to me. I again twice ask her name & I still have no idea what the fuck she's saying. She asks for a dance & I ask if we just can't get married instead, but she insists on at least 1 dance first &--boy!--she is gyrating that gorgeous & provocative ass slowly in front of me & her knee is occasionally in my crotch & her tits are sometimes in my face & her ass occasionally descends like manna from the heavens on to my clothed, desperate & moaning manhood & consoles it for a few seconds with a delicate wiggle & grind & her eyes are melting me like a popsicle in July & she asks if I wanna go upstairs, when of course what I REALLY wanna do is go downstairs--when it suddenly strikes me that it seems like she's been doing this a while now, so I tell her to let me know when the first song's over & she tells me we're already into the SECOND song, so I tell her to stop & that I'm only paying for 1 & she doesn't make a fuss, but looks a little disappointed. However, I decide to tip her an extra $10, which brightens her up & she goes off to find her next victim.

Embarrassing rookie mistake on my part: Especially in a new place, ALWAYS STATE THE RULES UPFRONT!

I see ####### wandering around now & I smile & wave at her & she waves & smiles back & if she'da come over I mighta yielded, but I wanted to save my cash for the next spot, where it could do the most damage.

We'd all been discussing where to go next & when it became apparent how horny we all were, Valjean mentioned the underground spot (let's call it Club #2) as an alternative & we voted for it by acclamation, having Valjean call the proprietor there & tell him to hold the girls there (at gunpoint if necessary) til we arrived, cause they'll often start drifting out around 8pm on a slow night.

In retrospect, it's easy to see how mistaken our original plan had been. You can't bring 10 hopeless degenerates into a place like Lace & have them sit there over an hour with boners abounding as all these near-naked bombshells parade around seductively & then expect them to wanna go to a similar place for more of the same. We decided to wait a little longer for any last minute strays & then made for the exit.

Getting our coats back seemed to take FOREVER, & by the time I got out, Valjean & some others had driven off at full capacity in their cars & since Justin & I knew how to get there, we took along 2 or 3 others & caught the subway. Amazing how long a subway ride can seem when your pants are on fire--& knowing those other bastards are already there availing themselves of the goodies while you're trying to get the damn Metrocard to work at the turnstile & hoping there'll still be a few crumbs from the table left when you arrive!

Normally I'd stop at a store & buy a coupla beers to take into the place, but now I insist on making a beeline straight from train to club & we're finally there & the guy lets us in &--IT'S WONDERFUL!

Sexy, seductive, friendly, luscious, desirable LADIES willing to do just about ANYTHING for our money--& we magnanimously decide that they SHALL! Some are miraculously still available for our bidding. I walk into the main area & spot that no-good prick Valjean sitting on a couch with the woman I am going to marry, tho she's currently unaware of that fact. I've never seen her before here (or anywhere), but recognize immediately that there's no woman in the world I want more desperately...or at least no woman in this club...or at least no woman on that couch.

Typical dirty trick of that conniving bastard VJ to race to this spot ahead of us & pick off the best target for himself. She's perched on his lap with her arms around his neck & her crotch meeting his in a manner that looks suspiciously pleasurable. Enraged, I consider marching over there & showing VJ who's boss here--but then realize he's bigger than me, so maybe that's not such a hot idea. I then contemplate instead pulling that vixen off him & loudly dressing her down for her irresponsible behavior. But then I realize she looks tuffer than me & give up on that idea too. So I decide to wander around & search for a girl who seems like more of a sissy than me. It doesn't take me long to find one who looks like one hell of a WOMAN. Since the main area's kinda crowded, I take her to the darker area where I know we're gonna end up anyway & which is fairly empty at the moment, so we're able to sit all the way in the back. Everybody knows what this means.

She starts off in a fully competent way, basic Harmony lap, sensual, good, fully receptive to whatever I wanna do, including kissing, which I'm in the mood for. But I'm yearning for a little more adventure, so I direct her attention to a preferred part of my person & she willingly acquiesces & attends to me thoroughly in a very obliging manner & I'm very happy & enjoying this greatly, but after a while am determined to take this at least to the 9 level, so I ask her to look away so I can hide some money where I know she'll never find it & she delightully searches VERY thoroughly for it & even after finding it CONTINUES her search & it becomes delightfully apparent that this fine young thing is VERY proficient at conducting a search. If I ever get arrested & have to be frisked, I want it to be by HER!

During all this, I hear one of the staff call the name of my LF (Location Fave) & I realize she's right there in the room doing another guy & I of course didn't recognize her cause as always she's changed her hair style again & besides I rarely glance above tit level anyway, but now I know I wanna save some up for her cause she always REALLY knows how to take care of me, so I terminate the current lady at what I'll call "9 interruptus" & walk out to the mingling area to wait for her.

But it looks like it's gonna be a while, so I settle on a couch in the main area & a dancer comes into the room who I used to see all the time at Harmony & 90 & also here a lot, but oddly enuf I'd only danced with her maybe once or twice at the other places & never here, tho she's cute, friendly & certainly knows how to take care of her customers. So with time on my hands, I did a coupla quick laps with her & they were very good. Not overly racy, but very good basic Harmony type stuff.

I walk back out to the main mingling area & see my LF FINALLY emerge from the darker room & I propose we immediately go back in, but she wants to have a smoke first & when I start to coax her to hurry things along, it turns out she's STILL not done with the previous guy yet & asks me to wait for her--which there's no chance in hell I'm gonna do, since the future Mrs. Nuthin has finally freed herself from that despicable sonofabitch Valjean, so I grab her & take her into the dark area, where I'm again fortunate enuf to get us a seat in the back & I give her 10 bucks to get things started & I sit down & get comfortable & she smiles & sweetly asks me to...wash my hands! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! So I rush into the bathroom & get it done in a hurry & go back to her & sit down again, after which she tells me she'll be back in a jiffy--& then musta flown to Vegas for a vacation or something, cause I'm sitting there while the pages are flying off the calendar & the leaves are changing color & I'm wondering what the hell's going on, so I finally walk into the other room, where I spot her maybe 10 feet way sipping a drink--& talking with that goddamn cocksucker Valjean!

She sees me & comes over with her drink & we return to the business area, where I guess she's now drunk enuf to tolerate even me. So we assume the position & start the dance--& suddenly she's this fucking WILD WOMAN, pushing my ultra-clean hands towards a part of her anatomy which, if I touch her there, means I'm gonna have to wash 'em all over again, & I'm resisting a bit cause I don't usually do this with a girl til I at least know her social security number, but she's VERY insistent & wants me to get her hot & she's actually overpowering me & winning the battle, when suddenly I'm aware that MY lower garments are getting lowered & my throbbing member greets the musty atmosphere, & then I notice her eyes are no longer opposite mine & the atmosphere's a little moister down there & I realize we are now at Defcon 10 &--boy, IS THIS A LEVEL 10!!! I mean, this is a particular activity that, while I've always greatly enjoyed it & never turned it down, I've never been a total fanatic about, but this lady's a fucking artist & now I know what all the fuss is about, it's like the difference between Jagger & Caruso, I mean she's gotta be a lock for the Nobel Prize in this category, I'VE NEVER HAD IT AS SILKY & DELICATE & TEASING & AROUSING AS THIS BEFORE, & just like quite a few years ago I met a lady who knew how to touch down there like no lady before or since, now I similarly feel reborn & my only wish in life is to sit in this chair forever & have her do this to me for eternity--when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I notice my LF has finished up.

I know you guys won't be thrilled with me when I confess that I told the lady to stop. I still wanted to be with my LF & it was getting late & I knew if I shoot now, the place might close before I'm ready for combat again, so I signal my LF to wait for me & I tell my dancer to stop--& SHE WON'T! I explain to her I wanna do my LF before I leave & she momentarily stops just to say sure, sure, don't worry & then she goes right back to doing me & I explain some more that I really wanna be able to finish with my LF & this girl's saying don't worry, you will, you will & she STILL keeps doing me & now I'm practically begging & pleading for her to stop & she's still insisting she REALLY wants to bring me off, but somehow I finally get my way before she totally has her way with me & she stops--& looks very disappointed!

I tip her & race into the bathroom, where I remember Valjean's warning that Purell burns the mucous membranes a split second AFTER I squirt about a half gallon of it all over my dick. Interesting how excruciating pain seems 10 times more agonizing when you KNOW it's coming! But at least I can now answer the question lingering in the minds of all of you in the tri-state area who did not attend: What you heard around 9:45 Tuesday night definitely was NOT the moaning of a beached whale.

I move into the main room, which is now fairly empty, where my LF joins me at last, playfully chiding me for dancing with others instead of waiting to be only with her. I settle on a couch as she decides to tease me a bit & dances seductively a foot or two away, but I can't stand too much more of this & I pull her to me. She laps me for a minute or two & then slowly sldes to her knees, unzips me & sets the little fella free once again. (Why I bother to even WEAR pants to a place like this I have no fucking idea!) She makes like a good Allstate agent & it's apparent the end is near. She unbuttons my shirt a litle more & I unzip my pants a little more to make sure the field is clear. Finally, her ministrations are decisive & all of it--the teasing/torture at Lace, the agonizingly slow subway ride, all of VJ's dirty tricks, the feeler for dollars, the Harmony regular, my future bride with the million dollar mouth, the Purell fiasco & the glowing face & sweet touch of my LF--comes gushing out of me like lava outa Mount St. Helen's til the needle finally rests on empty.

My LF runs off for a second & when she returns I tip her as she flatters me by handing me a whole box of handi-wipes.

It's getting near closing now & the girls are starting to leave as a bunch of us sit in the main area shooting the breeze for a few. The former Harmony regular decides to come in & entertain us by first stripping nude before getting into her street clothes & we banter back & forth as she gets dressed.

I am spent, wasted, broke, completely done in for the evening, but when some guys are wondering whether to call it a night I'm figuring WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I definitely wanna go out for at least a drink. Valjean's up for Passions, so I figure I'll tag along & just drink & watch the girls & bullshit for a while. Justin, King & Clubber need to get home & Harmfanx has a 4 or 5 hour train ride ahead of him. Our British visitor is unsure what he wants to do, but Norman's game since he's never been to Passions & wants to see it. VJ has room for only 1 in his car, or so he claims--what the hell does this guy drive, anyway?--& guess who gets the ride: my devoted fiance, who decides she's gonna dance at Passions tonight!

So I'm abandoned once more & trudge to the subway with some of the others, while I KNOW some serious stick-shifting has to be going on in VJ's car, no matter what kinda transmission he's got. Inside the train, as I look thru the windows & see goddamn roaches on the tunnel walls crawling faster than this fucking cattle car, our Brit visitor decides to call it a night & we bid him a fond farewell &, after c anging trains--which takes ANOTHER fucking eternity--me & Norman get off at Penn Station, wishing a good night to Clubber who rides the train a little further. I reload the wallet at an ATM just in case & we walk the 4 blocks to Passions as I tell Norman a little about the place.

As we enter, that backstabbing motherfucker Valjean of course is already at the bar having a drink with a beautiful sista. I know I'm not good for anything except a drink & it's a shame, cause Passions, which I used to love but have been disappointed with lately, is looking awfully good tonight. The ladies are exceptionally fine & the customers are extremely few. It is actually possible to get a seat on a stool near the lap dance room, something I haven't been able to do in months, but I decide not to & just hang near Norman & Valjean.

Then a sista comes up to me & announces she is Miss Delicious which, although I've never met her before, I
see is clearly true. She asks me for a drink, which I shoulda done cause she's real cute & friendly & has a terrific pair, but don't cause I don't wanna spend more money. Then she starts to wiggle in front of me & starts doing a stool dance & brushing her ass against my crotch oh-so-rightly & suddenly I'm clutching her & fondling her & kissing her & (of course) tipping her &--despite having so recently been totallly defeated in battle with my troops utterly decimated--suddenly find myself flying the flag again! She gets me all hot & hard in just a song or 2 & then a dancer I've known there forever (& used to do all the time but lately gotten a little jaded toward) comes along for a little action & now SHE'S getting me all hot & bothered & then, of course, along comes my bride-to-be from Club #2, having already pleasured Valjean & Norman a bit, dancing alluringly in front of me, my eyes locked on her like she's a watch some hypnotist is waving before me & we both know I'm falling under her spell & I clutch her to me & slobber all over her & start babbling incoherently & she won't have any of it cause she says I wouldn't let her finish me off at the other place & ditched her for my LF & I tell her the God's honest truth: that it was of course all my LF's fault, that I don't give a shit about that hag & was just trying to get her off my case, but now that we're alone together at last I know we're soul mates & she should ditch her boyfriend & marry me & we could live together happily ever after at maybe $5/song, & she ain't buying any of it (no girl ever does, alas!), but she's still working me & I'm going crazy & I know I gotta stop now cause I know if I take her in the back I'm gonna want it all & I suspect there's a chance she'd give it to me, even tho that's against the rules here, & I don't wanna spend that kinda money, I'm already over budget for the night, so I tell her we gotta stop & of course her hand goes on to my crotch at that point& I'm about to go thru the ceiling, but I somehow summon up the will to tell her I really can't do any more tonight & she takes it like a good sport & insists on giving me her number, which she finally writes out when I can't remember it after 10 tries. I do put it in my pocket--but if ********* answers, I swear I'm gonna hang up.

She then waltzes off like a dream to find her next victim & I join VJ at the bar. Norman says good night & leaves & I sit & bullshit with VJ for a while about what a good night it's been & about the board & about how that girl is driving me up the wall & he takes another table dance or 2 & we talk a few more minutes & then I see it's midnight so I say good night & walk out.

I'm a little hungry, so I decide to get something at the nearby White Castle. Normally a dumb move, but on a night as terrific as this, even that shit doesn't taste too bad.

THE CREW:

I think we really lucked out with the locations, everything was good in its own way & Club #2 was exceptionally so, but as much as the girls had to do with it, I think being out with these guys was an even greater part of things turning out so well. It was really great to finally meet people I've read & interacted with a bit on the board, like Justin & Clubber & The King & getting to know some slightly less familiar posters like Mr. Painstein, who's posted a little more lately than he used to & Norman, who just joined, & our even newer British friend X with all the numbers I can't remember, who I think (& certainly hope) enjoyed himself a lot Tuesday night. I was sorry I didn't get a chance to talk more than a little with Harmfanx, who you gotta admire for trekking all the way in from Massachusetts for this--now THAT'S a guy with a hard-on! And I don't know if I said more than 2 words to Snaykee, who goes back a long way on the board. Sorry I missed you, Snayk, hope to spend more time with you next time.

You can only get to know people so well in a few hours, especially when you're also trying to bang babes, but the spirit of fun & enthusiasm in this group was tangible & contagious IMHO. And going to these spots AS A GROUP increased the fun exponentially IMHO. Club #2 woulda been fun Tuesday for anybody, but I think all of us being there together made it much more EXCITING! And you can imagine the lift it musta given those girls to turn what was probably a fair to slow typical Tuesday into a payday with the arrival of a bunch of idiots looking to party. They certainly seemed more than ready for us & gave us all we could handle & then some.

If we do this again (& I certainly hope we do), I think it'll only get better as we get to know each other better & relax with each other more.

VALJEAN:

Lotsa people have thanked Valjean already for his work on the party & I'll certainly second that. Sure, maybe as he says he's not the only one who can do this, but he's far & away the most suited & was certainly NECESSARY to get this off the ground originally. He not only has the background & knowledge of the scene, but his leadership, interest, graciousness, consideration & commitment to doing a good job are rare qualities in today's world & are precisely the things that made this a success for all of us.

Out of 12 people (all of whom had never met each other) who said they'd definitely come, 10 actually showed up. To me, that's phenomenal & VJ deserves ALL the credit for that.

What he hasn't gotten ENUF credit for IMHO is how he's made this BOARD such a vastly more entertaining place to hang out. Promoting on other boards, posting pics regularly, coming up with charts, systems, concepts, ideas, organizing the email list, generously sharing his knowledge & insights about SCs, always answering questions from posters, inviting in dancers & others--it's no surprise the club has grown so much in numbers & postings have increased so much. His interest & fascination with this business is contagious & just naturally lures folks in & his obvious consideration & good-naturedness makes them feel comfortable & keeps them here.

Thanks for the board, Valjean.

And as far as ASS-Cons go, I'm with you on the next one of those too, kemosabe.

Although, shit--too many more of these & I don't know HOW much longer I'll be able to hang on to my virginity!