Saxbeat Report: ASS-C Decathlon

Well, things have been going too well lately for me to post one of my
miserable, self-indulgent, whining Outside Reports, so instead this week,
I bring you all a report from the International Olympic Committee, which
you may find interesting. Let the training begin!

Saxbeat

The ASS-C Decathlon

International Olympic Committee officials in Atlanta were monitoring ass-c
during the olympics. Impressed by the spirit of cooperation, the
international flair, and the competitive nature of the newsgroup, IOC
president Juan Antonio Samaranch announced a plan to add an Ass-c
Decathlon to the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, Australia.

The decathlon will consist of 10 events, and will be split into individual
and team competition. The Men's and Women's decathlons will be slightly
different to accomodate different specialties.

Events are as follows:

MEN'S DECATHLON

1 - Lap Dance Marathon
Participants will be lapped by mecahnical lapping machines until, well,
until... you know. Contestants will be scored on time, with bonuses
awarded on form, such as facial expressions, conversational ability, and
ability to touch the lapping machine without the judges noticing.

2 - Obstacle Course
Contestants will run an obstacle course consisting of little round tables,
bar stools, and simulated bouncers. Scoring is based on time, with points
subtracted for stumbling, contacting a bouncer, and spilling drinks.

3 - Clean and Jerk
The object is to pick up a stripper as quickly and efficiently as
possible. Athletes will be required to demonstrate skills at both the
"clean" pick-up, using promises of money and being a nice guy, and the
"jerk" pick-up, which involves playing guitar and slapping the stripper
around.

4 - Target Shooting
Demonstration of the ability to find a vein on a really strung out dancer,
and administrating the proper dose of methadone. Points will be subtracted
for injecting air bubbles, and improper needle cleaning.

5 - Ice Skating Relay
Contestants must pass a glass of ice either to other teammates while
running 40-yard legs of a 400-yard dash (team) or between their own right
and left hands (individual) while running a 100-yard dash. Points are
deducted for excess ice melted during relay.

6 - Freestyle BF
This artistic contest lets contestants show their creativity as they BF a
long-haired crash-test dummy. Bonus points awarded for depth and vigor.

7 - Shopping 10K
Athletes must spend $10,000 on a stripper as quickly as possible. Points
given for quickness, creativity, and pathetic desperation of purchases.

8 - Archery
Using their own hearts as targets, participants will be encouraged to
inflict as much pain on themselves as possible, as they throw themselves
against arrows held by a statue of the god Eros, while proclaiming what
sensitive souls they are. Scoring is based on volume of screams, number of
repetitions, and bull's eyes scored.

9 - High Jump
Strippers will say "jump," and athletes will jump. Scoring is based on
height. Demonstration sport to be considered for 2004 games: Jumping
through hoops.

10 - Diving
Contestants will dive from a high board into a vat of stripper shit.
Divers are required to perform a triple-somersault, jackknife, and reverse
axel, and to enter the vat head-first and mouths open. Points deducted for
not smiling upon surfacing after dive.


WOMEN'S DECATHLON

1 - Lap Dance Time Trials
Contestants will lap ZBone for best time to, well, um, you know. Bonus
points will be awarded, based on judging by celebrity panel of Stevie
Wonder, Janet Jackson and ZBone. Racers must demonstrate stick shifting,
high mileage, and curve-handling.

2 - Synchronized Lapping
Strippers will work in groups of two or more to demonstrate lap dancing
synchronized to music. Removal of clothes (dancer's and customers), shoes,
and general movements will all be done in perfect synchronicity. Winners
will be the team that can also get their customers to, well, um, you
know... simultaneously.

3 - Freestyle Shopping
In this event, dancers have to use their wiles to get a judge from a
neutral country (like San Diego) to spend as much money as possible.
Overall point score is based on dollars spent, with points deducted for
whining, promising sexual favors and actually going home with the judge.
Bonus points are awarded for creative reasons for needing the money, with
a 100-point bonus if the judge falls in love at any point during the
event.

4 - Javelin Throw
Using swizzle sticks, dancers attempt to put out the eyes of rude
customers from a compulsory six feet limit. (Using paper silhoutte
targets, of course.)

5 - Obstacle Course
Dancers run laps (what else?) around the outside of the club, avoiding
such obstacles as snaggies, pathetic losers, cheap ass-c'ers and vice
officers.

6 - 50-meter dash
Dancers attempt to be the first to reach a wealthy regular at the back of
the club, starting from the dressing room, wearing five-inch heels and a
hobble dress. Points are awarded on time, with deductions for tripping or
body slamming other dancers.

7 - Cycling
In preparation for this event, dancers will live together in the Olympic
Village for two months prior to the olympics. Athletes will then be judged
on how close the beginning of their mentrual cycle falls to the group
average.

8 - Precision Peeing
From a raised platform of six feet, dancers will attempt to pee on a
five-dollar bill floating in a toilet below them. Scores will be based on
accuracy, consistency of contact with the bill, and ability to get fat,
obnoxious customer to accept bill back when demanded from manager.

9 - Long Jump
Dancers will jump across a stage to evade the attempt of a drunk customer
to grope them. Jump starts from a crouching position, as dancer is nude, 
reclined on her back, with both heels on the floor, her back arched, and
head forming the third point of contact, hands at her thighs. At the
ending position of the jump, the dancer will be standing in a classic
defensive karate position, fully dressed and at least six feet from the
customer.

10 - Freestyle BF
Due to popular demand, this event has been included in the Women's and
Men's decathlons. This artistic contest lets contestants show their
creativity as they BF a long-haired crash-test dummy with a studded
strap-on. Bonus points awarded for enthusiasm and volume.

The IOC is seeking ideas for additional events to be held in the Olympic
Strip Club venue as exhibition events to accompany the decathlon.
Suggestions are encouraged.

Saxbeat