Hello, newbie! Welcome to the world of alt.sex.strip-clubs!

In an effort to avoid repeated postings of the same, tired, old questions,
and in a selfless act of service to humanity, I've compiled the most
Frequently Asked Questions on this newsgroup so they can be fielded
authoritatively once and for all. Any volunteers?  Hey, did anybody say
anything about...answers? Man oh man, if you can't have fun with this
stuff what's the point? Right? No, don't answer that! But seriously,
folks, like the lap dancer said to the mechanic, shall we get this thing
started? And yes, newbie, you will be subjected to pop quizzes, so pay
close attention.


Q: I keep seeing references to ASSC and ASSCers. What the heck does ASSC
stand for and what is an ASSCer or ASSCon?

A: ASSC = alt.sex.strip-clubs. (The name of this newsgroup. Duh!) And an
ASSCer is anybody who participates in the newsgroup. (Could be you,
newbie!) An ASSCon is any event where ASSCers convene. (Got the hang of it
yet?) Of course, we're all homosexuals, so we're in the habit of cloaking
our communications in mysterious code.


Q: What is the history of ASSC? 

A: ASSC began in the late Sixties as a project of the Defense Department.
Its original purpose was to provide a way for the military to exchange
strip club information nationwide in the event of Nuclear Doomsday. What
they failed to anticipate, however, was phone sex ads. 


Q: There sure is a lot of spam here. Isn't there anything we can do to
clean up this place?

A: There is, but we would rather live like pigs. ASSCers don't have any
self-respect.


Q: I just got a free blow job in a strip club. Should I post about it here
or in alt.sex.prostitution?

A: If it was free, it can't be prostitution. Post it here.


Q: How much detail should I include in my reviews?

A: If you include all the nasty details about her lap dances, please don't
post the lady's identity. You could get her in trouble. Instead, E-mail it
to CMG@netcom. Let me get her in trouble.


Q: I'm going to Chicago on business next week. Where can a guy get a good
pizza, if ya know what I mean?

A: Sorry. All Chicago pizza sucks. You're better off staying in your hotel
room and renting a "Godfather" video, if you know what I mean.


Q: Any Sci-Fi fans out there?

A: There were, but they wouldn't stop posting about it, so we hunted them
down and vaporized them.


Q: Is it okay to cum during a lap dance?

A: No. Insist on a full refund.


Q: I'm doing a pussy survey. Do you prefer shaved or unshaved?

A: I'll ask the next pussy I talk to and get back to you.


Q: I've lost the trail of a dancer I'm stalking who goes by the name of
Trixie. If anybody sees her, would you please ask her for permission to
reveal her new location to me so I can resume making her life a living
hell? Thanks in advance!

A: No problem, guy. That's what we're here for.


Q: How can I get rid of a pushy dancer who won't take no for an answer?

A: Let her know she's practicing short-sighted customer relations. Give
her a flyer on business school courses she could take to improve. Then
tell the bitch to buzz off.


Q: I just got back from Big Ernie's in Detroit. I never got a dance, cuz I
never got asked! The girls seemed to be spending all their time hanging
out with their regulars. Anybody else ever have this happen there?

A: Yes. That's because Big Ernie's is a regular bar. Next time try a strip club.


Q: Hi, guys! My best regular customer was a banker, but he suddenly
stopped getting dances from me. Why?

A: He lost interest.


Q: My favorite dancer hasn't called me to confirm our date. I'm worried
that she has lost my phone number. What should I do?

A: Since you didn't get her number, you stud, there are only two things
you can do. 1) Pick up your receiver and see if you're getting a dial
tone. 2) Resume worrying.


Q: What is the best way to get a dancer to go out on a date with you?

A: Be direct. Ask her, "Would you like to go out with CMG?"


Q: I saw where some guy calling himself ALS is posting his version of an
ASSC FAQ. Which one of you is for real?

A: He's for real, I'm against it.

(Reply to cgould@ the ISP in header)