Who's On Stage?

Ivan P. Daley

12/02/2002

Okay, group, here it is. My first-ever contribution to AFTSD. I humbly
submit it for your entertainment, hoping all the while it fails to
suck.


-----Ivan


WHO'S ON STAGE? (with apologies to Abbott & Costello)

OWNER: Alright, now, whaddya want?

PL: Now look, I'm gonna be a serious PL in this strip club. I wanna
know all the dancers' names. Do you know the girls' names?

OWNER: Oh, sure.

PL: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.

OWNER: Well, I'll introduce you to the girls. You know sometimes
nowadays they give strippers peculiar names.

PL: You mean funny names.

OWNER: Nicknames, stage names, like Lotta Love.

PL: Her sister Gotta Love -

OWNER: Gotta Love -

PL: And their cousin!

OWNER: Who's that?

PL: Burnin'!

OWNER: Burnin', huh? Now let's see. We have in the club - we have Who's
on stage, What's in the VIP room, I Don't Know's in my lap.

PL: That's what I wanna find out.

OWNER: I say Who's on stage, What's in the VIP room, I Don't Know's in
my lap -

PL: You know the dancers' names?

OWNER: Certainly!

PL: Well, then who's on stage?

OWNER: Yes!

PL: I mean the dancer's name.

OWNER: Who!

PL: The girl on stage!

OWNER: Who!

PL: The stage dancer!

OWNER: Who!

PL: The girl dancing on stage!

OWNER: Who is on stage!

PL: Now, whaddya askin' me for?

OWNER: I'm telling you Who is on stage.

PL: Well, I'm asking YOU who's on stage!

OWNER: That's the girl's name.

PL: That's who's name?

OWNER: Yes.

PL: Well, go ahead and tell me.

OWNER: Who.

PL: The girl on stage.

OWNER: Who!

PL: The stage dancer.

OWNER: Who is on stage!

PL: Have you got a contract with the stage dancer?

OWNER: Absolutely.

PL: Who signs the contract?

OWNER: Well, naturally!

PL: When you pay off the stage dancer every month, who gets the money?

OWNER: Every dollar. Why not? The girl's entitled to it.

PL: Who is?

OWNER: Yes. Sometimes her boyfriend comes down and collects it.

PL: Whose boyfriend?

OWNER: Yes.

PL: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the girl's name on stage?

OWNER: Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is in the
VIP room.

PL: I'm not askin' you who's in the VIP room.

OWNER: Who is on stage.

PL: I don't know.

OWNER: She's in my lap - now we're not talkin' 'bout her.

PL: Now, how did I get in your lap?

OWNER: You mentioned her name!

PL: If I mentioned her name, then who did I say is in your lap?

OWNER: No - Who's on stage.

PL: Never mind the stage - I wanna know what's the girl's name in your
lap.

OWNER: No - What's in the VIP room.

PL: I'm not askin' you who's in the VIP room.

OWNER: Who's on stage.

PL: I don't know.

OWNER: She's in my lap.

PL: Argh!!!!! Would you please stay in your lap and not go off it?

OWNER: What was it you wanted?

PL: Now, who's in your lap?

OWNER: Now, why do you insist on putting Who in my lap?

PL: Why? Who am I putting in there?

OWNER: Yes. But we don't want her there.

PL: What's the girl's name in your lap?

OWNER: What belongs in the VIP room.

PL: I'm not askin' you who's in the VIP room.

OWNER: Who's on stage.

PL: I don't know.

OWNER: MY LAP!

PL: Look, you got a serving staff?

OWNER: Oh, yes!

PL: The bartender's name?

OWNER: Why.

PL: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.

OWNER: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

PL: Alright, then tell me who's tendin' bar.

OWNER: Who is on sta-

PL: STAY OFF THE STAGE! I wanna know what's the bartender's name.

OWNER: What's in the VIP room.

PL: I'm not askin' you who's in the VIP room.

OWNER: Who's on stage.

PL: I don't know. YOUR LAP! The bartender's name?

OWNER: Why.

PL: Because!

OWNER: Oh, she's a waitress.

PL: Look, you got a massage girl in this club?

OWNER: Now, wouldn't this be a fine club without a massage girl?

PL: The massage girl's name.

OWNER: Tomorrow.

PL: You don't wanna tell me today?

OWNER: I'm tellin' you now.

PL: Then go ahead.

OWNER: Tomorrow.

PL: What time?

OWNER: What time what?

PL: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's massaging?

OWNER: Now listen. Who is not massaging. Who is on sta-

PL: I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM, YOU SAY WHO'S ON STAGE! I wanna know what's
the massage girl's name.

OWNER: What's in the VIP room.

PL: I don't know.

OWNER: MY LAP!

PL: You got another PL besides me?

OWNER: Oh, absolutely.

PL: The PL's name.

OWNER: Today.

PL: Today. And Tomorrow's massaging.

OWNER: Now you've got it.

PL: All we've got is a couple of days in the club.

OWNER: Well, I can't help that.

PL: Well, I'm a pretty good PL, too.

OWNER: I know that.

PL: Now suppose that I'm in the mood for heavy tipping. Tomorrow's
massaging me and I get all worked up.

OWNER: Yes.

PL: Tomorrow massages. The massage ends. I wanna tip some more dancers,
so I take some ones out of my wallet, go to the stage, and give 'em to
who?

OWNER: Now, that's the first thing you've said right.

PL: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

OWNER: Well, that's all you have to do.

PL: Is give the tip to the stage dancer.

OWNER: Yes.

PL: Now who's got it?

OWNER: Naturally!

PL: If I give the tip to the stage dancer, somebody's gotta get it.
Now, who's got it?

OWNER: Naturally!

PL: Who's got it?

OWNER: Naturally.

PL: Naturally.

OWNER. Yes.

PL: So I take out the tip and give it to Naturally.

OWNER: NO, NO, NO! You give it to the stage dancer and Who gets it?

PL: Naturally.

OWNER: That's right. There we go.

PL: So I take out the tip and I give it to Naturally.

OWNER: You don't!

PL: I give it to who?

OWNER: Naturally.

PL: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

OWNER: You're not saying it that way.

PL: I said I give the tip to Naturally.

OWNER: You don't - you give the tip to Who?

PL: Naturally.

OWNER: Well, say that.

PL: THAT"S WHAT I'M SAYING! I give the tip to who?

OWNER: Naturally.

PL: Ask me.

OWNER: You give the tip to Who?

PL: Naturally.

OWNER: That's it.

PL: SAME AS YOU! I give the tip to the stage dancer and who gets it?

OWNER: Naturally!

PL: Who has it?

OWNER: Naturally!

PL: SHE BETTER HAVE IT! I give the tip to the stage dancer. Whoever it
is takes it, sticks it in her garter and says, "Thanks, sweetie!"

OWNER: Yes.

PL: Another PL comes in and orders a drink from Because. Why? I don't
know! She's in your lap, and I don't give a darn!

OWNER: What was that?

PL: I said I don't give a darn!

OWNER: Oh, that's our bouncer!