Hardly Working

Marc 182

12/03/2002

It started at Kon Tiki in Tucson. All good ideas that result in bad
behavior seem to start at Kon Tiki, I don't know why. I used to think
it was the kitschy Polynesian decor and the cheap fruity rum drinks,
especially the Scorpion, that birdbath sized drink, gang drunk through
multiple straws. But lately I've come to think that if you can get a
gang together willing to go to the Kon Tiki, chances are they'll be the
kind of people willing to act out a bit given the slightest buzz.

On this Friday evening we'd all gathered together for a happy hour that
was also a going away party for Sam. I'd hired Sam as a student and he
was moving on to other things. This Friday had been his last day as a
gainfully employed person. Kinda sad, but a good reason to get trashed.
The crew consisted of Pam (my employee, and a Latina heart breaker),
Omar (co-worker, also Latino and somewhat smitten with Pam), Hanako (my
Japanese ex-employee, but still always willing to show up for an office
happy hour), Jasmine Tea (my lovely Japanese wife, once a dancer
herself, but now a software engineer), James (my newest student
employee, uber programmer, just turned 21, and never been to Kon Tiki
before (actually he's never been anywhere before)), Sam (already
defined), and me.

Things were going pretty well, we were two Scorpions down. We'd all been
sharing them, except Hanako who was doing MGDs and Jasmine who was doing
Virgin Marys. That's when Jasmine got the bright idea, "Hey," she
whispered in my ear, "let's call Bryle, have him pick us up in the Ten's
limo. I'll bet Sam and James haven't ever been there!" She, totally
sober, was the one with the bright idea. I love my wife.

Ten's is where Jasmine used to work. They run a free limo service to and
from the club and Bryle is the well-liked limo driver. A lot of
whispering went on trying to figure out the Ten's phone number without
tipping off Sam or James. Hanako ended up coming through, "I have
Bryle's cell phone programmed in my cell." I was flabbergasted, "you
have the Ten's limo programmed in your cell phone?!" She rolled her
eyes, "Yes, sometimes I need it to located my husband." Heh!

So Bryle was called and a pickup time set; time enough for one more
Scorpion.

Bryle called as he was pulling into the parking lot. I'd just cleared
the tab so the timing was perfect. I stood up and announced, "Okay
folks, the party's moving!" Those in the know herded the confused out
the door and into the limo. Ten's has a nice limo, fiber optic "stars"
roll and change colors in the ceiling. Sam was already pretty drunk. He
watched the ceiling colors change and move and asked "Where are we
going? Are we going someplace bad?" In ten minutes we were there.

At the door there was a quick negotiation. The door girl pointed to
Jasmine and I and said, "You two get in free, but I need to check on the
rest." A manager stuck his head into the anteroom, glanced at us, and
announced "half price." Sam watched this process with a quizzical
expression on his face. I could almost see the wheels turning. I
realized that I'd never fully informed him of my extra-curricular
activities.

Bryle had reserved us a couple of tables right by the stage. As we
walked over I asked James if he'd ever been there before, "Sure, all the
time, they know me here," he quipped. He was looking up at the lights as
he walked; I think he was trying to figure out how they were controlled.

Seated, things began to happen fairly fast, and we were there a long
time, so I'll skim. One of the first things was a free tee shirt give-
away to the loudest customer. We shouted and stamped, however the dancer
onstage waved the shirt around but refused to give. Finally Hanako
pulled her shirt up to flash the dancer, she was wearing a nice blue
satin bra with a tiny bow between the cups, not that I was paying
excessive attention or anything. That got her the shirt.

Later they had "Fear Friday." Volunteers were sought for the stage.
Pam was almost hopped up enough to go, "I'll do it. What is it? I won't
have to get topless will I?" She went on like that until it was too
late. Three customers (two male, one female) ate something disgusting
(I forget what) for free drinks. Not very sexy.

Allie (http://www.tucson-topless.net/allie-2.html) came by and I bought
dances from her for Sam and Hanako. After the dances Sam said "wow" a
few times, and I saw Hanako rubbing her thighs and arms. "She gave you
goose bumps didn't she?" I asked. "Yes, I've gotten dances from her
before with my husband, she's good!" Indeed.

Holly (http://www.tucson-topless.net/hollie.html) came running over,
very animated. "Is this your wife, eeeee!" stamping her feet in
excitement. She was in her civies, having a beer and mooching the free
Friday prime rib buffet after her shift. I hadn't actually realized
that they'd never met. Holly works days and Jasmine had worked nights.
It was a cool moment.

At some point Pam was speaking to me. "I wanted to flash the stage too,
but you're my boss so I couldn't. Hanako doesn't work for you anymore so
she could, but I couldn't. It kinda sucks." I felt bad, sorta but not
really, for cramping Pam's style. "You know, if you really feel the
need to flash someone, I'm perfectly willing to leave the room". Alas,
that never came to pass.

Around that time the idea came up to get Sam on stage. We chipped in
$35. The DJ announced him as celebrating his first day of unemployment
and three dancers hauled him on stage. Then they tied him to a chair
with his own belt. You'd think his face would bust he was grinning so
hard as they worked him over. He literally couldn't figure out where to
look, there was so much to see. Kaylee (http://www.tucson-
topless.net/kaylee.html) was one and Missy was another (http soon to
come), but I didn't know the third. I do remember that Missy forgot to
take off her top.

After the girls danced for him, he was required to dance for them. But
he was way too drunk to figure out what he what was expected of him.
Finally he got it and did some drunken imitations of what dancers do,
including some self-touching that had the dancers and us rolling with
laughter.

As Sam tottered towards stage-right he came too close to the edge just
by our tables. For a moment he balanced there on one foot, arms
cartwheeling for stability. We all jumped up and put on a pretty good
imitation of the planting of the flag at Iwojima, ready to catch him.
But he got his other foot down on terra firma and made it to the stairs.

Back at the table he said "wow" a few times.

Pam and Hanako tried to leave early, but were informed that the limo was
currently unavailable. They returned to our tables and ordered more
drinks. I had nothing to do with that.

Jasmine was up and down. Running off to talk to managers, dancers,
bouncers, people she hadn't seen in more than a year. I think she got
dances from Kaylee and Allie, but I'm not sure. I feel bad that I
didn't buy her any dances. Hey, I was distracted!

I bought a dance for Pam from Kaylee. Pam has seen the photos of Kaylee
on my website and admired her beauty, so I thought it was a cool move.
But Pam had an absolute panic attack. I've never seen anything like it.
"No NO, I can't! No, I'm sorry I can't!!" I figured that pressuring my
female employee to get a table dance is probably not a sane act, so I
sent Kaylee over to mess up Sam some more. Pam continued to apologize,
but I assured her there was nothing to apologize for. Turns out the
reason she couldn't get a dance was because her boyfriend wasn't there.
The only reason he wasn't with us is that he works Friday nights. She
didn't want to get her first ever table dance unless he was with her.
Fair enough.

We'd been shuffling seats regularly and now I was sitting by Sam. He
was seriously drunk, but struggled to focus. "You know all these people.
I saw that you didn't have to pay cover, what the fuck?" So I gave him
a Tucson Topless biz card with the url. "Wow, what's this, something
that's going to make me say ‘wow'?" I told him to look it up when he
sobered up.

I also tried to buy James a table dance, but he begged off. Instead he
went to the restroom and threw up. James really isn't used to drinking
beer.

Finally the limo became available again and we piled in. The ride back
to Kon Tiki was all about comparing notes. Turns out a lot of shit
happened that I didn't see, so I didn't include them here. The parking
lot was all about hugs, and figuring out who was sober enough to drive
and which cars would be left behind. Bryle stuck around until he was
sure that everyone had a safe ride.

All in all, a very successful happy hour.